NAFTA, WACO, MIDWEST FLOODS AND THE L.A. FIRES AND THEN THERE'S THE REST OF THE NEW FOR 1993 - The Buffalo News (Buffalo, NY)

Hey, 1993 was really exciting in the news biz. I mean, RossPerot debating Al Gore on international trade in a prime-timeformat -- gosh, there hasn't been that much frenzy in the newsroomsince the Democrats announced that Rodham had gotten betweenHillary and Clinton.

And how about that mayoral contest, the one that was prettymuch over two or three months before the general election? Tough tobeat for sheer, nerve-pounding drama.

On the other hand, maybe there's only so much you can stand toread about health care, free trade and the lack of significantchange in the economy.

Fortunately, the real news does get through, tucked away in twoor three paragraph chunks, under and between all the analyses andtrend stories. That's where diligent readers find the explodingtoilets and the 32-foot pythons slithering along a highway orthrough a back yard in the next town over. Real news, that you canuse.

In the newspaper trade they were once known as 'Hey Martha'stories -- as in, 'Hey, Martha, you gotta read this!'

Seldom did Martha ever get called to compelling reading aboutsewer ordinances, or zoning, or the fiscal projections of the nextschool budget. But the snakes and the fumbling bandits got herevery time.

It has been no different this year. Culled from the pages of1993, this is what counts.

Hey, Martha . . . The Finger Wasn't Loaded

A guy tried to rob a North Buffalo bank this July, but leftafter a teller asked him for identification. It wasn't thestrangest bank robbery in the city during the year, though -- inJanuary, another guy went into a bank, said hello to the old familyfriend working as a bank guard, demanded cash from a teller whileholding his finger in his pocket as if he had a gun, got soakedwith red dye when a pack hidden in the cash exploded, and then tooka customer hostage by pulling his finger out of his pocket andpointing it at the customer's neck. Unimpressed, the guard whackedthe bandit over the head with his nightstick and held him forpolice.

Someone stole a large moose head, complete with a full rack ofantlers, from a Town of Niagara bar last January -- while the placewas open for what must have been a fairly rollicking amount ofbusiness. State police in Lewiston speculated it would have takenmore than one man to walk out with the huge, $1,500 shoulder-mounttrophy sometime between 6:15 and 7 p.m. one Friday, but added thatno one in Dave's Last Chance Saloon at the time seemed to havenoticed the crime.

In Gasport this June, two guys were confronted by a crowd ofangry villagers after they climbed the United Church of Christsteeple about 3 a.m. and repeatedly tolled the large church bell.The men jumped from the roof and fled. State troopers found themhiding in some bushes a short while later.

Genesee Station police were sent to Walden Avenue and HarmoniaStreet in February to investigate reports of kids using a cat as ahockey puck. By the time they got there, the kids were gone --leaving behind the injured cat, which soon died.

Road Wearier

Christopher Tirb had a tough time getting to his family's homein Michigan for Easter this year. First, his car ran off the roadand hit a sign post. There was only minimal damage, so he got backon the road -- only to drift over the center line and sideswipeanother car a few miles later. He told police he may have hadsteering problems from the first accident, but they wrote him aticket anyway for driving without proof of insurance. Another fewmiles down the road, Tirb managed to rear-end a pickup truck;police said he thought he had slammed on the brakes, but apparentlyhit the gas pedal instead. This time, there were minor injuries,and an ambulance was called. Tirb was loaded into the ambulance,but en route to the hospital a car pulling out of a parking lotslammed into the emergency vehicle. Tirb eventually made it to thehospital, where he was released after treatment for facialinjuries. He also eventually made it to Easter dinner -- his motherdrove the rest of the way.

A father and son were charged by the Georgia State Patrol thissummer for 'driving under the influence' after the horses they wereriding collided with a car on a road at night. Neither of theriders was seriously hurt but a passenger in the car washospitalized and the horses had to be destroyed.

In mid-November, a 52-year-old Niagara Falls man was arrestedon DWI and traffic charges early one evening after playing bumpercars with three parked vehicles in front of police headquarters.The driver, who also was hospitalized with chest and face injuries,was accused of heavily damaging an unmarked police car and thepersonal cars of two city police officers.

On the Record

'The Lord himself, at his Last Supper, drank wine with the 12apostles. Thank goodness he didn't have that last supper on a GoodFriday in North Dakota, or they might have all gone to jail for ayear.'

-- North Dakota State Sen. Jim Maxson, during debate precedingrepeal of the last state Good Friday drinking ban in the nation.

'My decision was reinforced by personal health considerations.Margie said she would force me to eat poison mushrooms (if I ranagain).'

-- Mayor Griffin, announcing his intention not to run forre-election.

'Oh God, I'll just live inside your trousers or something. Itwould be much easier.'

-- Excerpt from 'Camillagate,' a secretly taped bedtimetelephone conversation between Charles, Prince of Wales and heir tothe British throne, 44, and his reported paramour, CamillaParker-Bowles, 45, the wife of an old family friend.

Just in From the Wild Kingdom

In suburban Boston this fall, a gang of ruffian turkeysterrorized the streets -- chasing children, trapping motorists intheir cars and refusing to move for traffic. Animal Rescue Leagueofficials nabbed seven of the birds, describing them as wild-stockturkeys that had apparently lost their timidity by being bred incaptivity. The entire flock of about 15 birds had been secretlyreleased by someone around the previous Thanksgiving, they added.

Namibian officials complained this spring about the smugglingof ostrich chicks from South Africa, a trend they said could lowerstandards and threaten what was described as Namibia'smultimillion-dollar ostrich trade with the United States.

Turkey hunter Steven Reynolds of Arlington, Vt., is a shoo-into win any turkey-calling contests that may crop up in hisvicinity. The 40-year-old hunter was out in the woods gobbling aturkey mating call this May when he was attacked by a bobcat thatmistook him for a bird.

Rocky the Chihuahua found love in Key West, Fla., with hisneighbor's Rottweiler, Canella. Canella was in heat and, when shewas left tied on her owner's deck, Rocky made his move. Canellabecame pregnant from the encounter and Rocky's owner was laterordered to pay Canella's owner $2,567.50 in damages. According tothe trial record, Rocky's owner tried to defend him by presentingtestimony 'of other dog-owning neighbors speculating that Canellahad been visited by other male dogs, in particular a determined butinadequate little Shih Tzu with an injured hip. But onlyspeculation existed, as opposed to the certain success enjoyed byRocky.'

In Erie, Pa., this June, police logged several reports of anAfrican lion wearing a red collar and golden bells. No solidevidence of the elusive feline ever showed up, but authorities didmanage to track down a reported visitor from still anothercontinent: 'About three weeks ago, we got a report of a kangaroo,'a Pennsylvania Game Commission officer said. 'Turned out it was apossum that had lost a lot of hair.'

In Searsport, Maine, an entrepreneur came up with the ultimatein vending machines -- one that dispenses live frogs, for fishermensearching for bait in the middle of the night.

In Sweden, a newspaper gave five stock analysts and achimpanzee the equivalent of $1,250 to make as much money as theycould on the stock market. The chimp won.

Chip Greeno of Vermont won a trip to Spain and representationby a Hollywood talent agency this year for swallowing hard andcapitalizing on a skill that started with eating a worm beforeevery high school football game. Now a bouncer and mental healthworker, Greeno excels as an 'eater' -- downing moths, crickets, rawfish eggs, goldfish, worms, nightcrawlers and salamanders, not tomention the pre-chewed Twinkie he ate on Howard Stern's shock radioshow. His manager said Greeno fit right in -- his clients alsoinclude an oyster snorter, a man who stops fans with his tongue,Siamese-twin country singers, a fiddle-playing contortionist andMr. Methane -- a guy who flatulates to the tune of 'How Much IsThat Doggie in the Window?'

The sound of the wrong music

A West German couple who took a Caribbean cruise to bask inexotic Latin American rhythms won a partial refund in court lastJanuary after finding themselves stuck on a ship full of Swissyodelers. The couple said even the calypso midnight buffet featureda Swiss brass band, and they were plagued by Alpine folk music forthe entire two week cruise through the balmy tropics.

In Evansville, Ind., Peter Williams got his nose back after theman accused of biting it off in a fight outside a tavern wasacquitted in court. The chewed-off nose had been kept in a specimenjar as evidence, although Williams had had reconstructive surgery;the defense attorney representing Carl Foster, in what may havebeen a judicious understatement, noted that there may have been'bad blood' between the men.

Pass the 'nutra-loaf'

In Vancouver, Clark County jail inmates lost a lawsuit aimed atproving that half a loaf is worse than none. Their legal actionsought to ban the county from issuing meals of 'nutra-loaf,' adense 9-ounce concoction of vegetables, beef or chicken, apples,eggs and potatoes, to assaultive or volatile inmates apt to throwtheir regular meals at the walls or the guards. The inmates claimedthe loaf was cruel and unusual punishment, and the jail counteredthat it was less dangerous than other flying entrees and easier toclean up.

Try to have a nice day anyway

Houston Judge Charles J. Hearn signed a man's execution orderthis summer in his usual style -- with his name, and a smalldrawing of a happy face.

A federal judge in Florida finally released a German studentwho spent 10 months in jail after a January incident in which hisattempts to reach an airliner bathroom landed him in the slammer oncharges of making a bomb threat. Testimony showed the student, whowas drunk, repeatedly warned flight attendants in broken Englishthat 'the roof would go' if he didn't get to the bathroom duringtakeoff. The German-speaking judge noted that the German slangphrase 'then the roof flies' is more indicative of an explodingbladder than an exploding airplane, and sentenced the student totime already served.

There oughta be a law

In Maine this year, state legislators considered a law thatwould ban electronic moose calls. In New Jersey, there was a billallowing armless motorists to skip paying the tolls on the NewJersey Turnpike and Garden State Parkway. Oregon considered lawsrequiring a gun in every household, and allowing people to keep andeat 'road-kill' wildlife. And West Virginia lawmakers were asked toconsider a measure requiring the posting of warnings of highwayspeed traps, and to repeal a measure excusing Civil War veteransfrom prosecution.

Is that a rocket in your shorts?

In Ransomville this Fourth of July, a man shooting offfireworks sustained burns to his groin after a bottle rocket flewup his shorts and exploded.

Elvis fans managed an extra twist on the U.S. Postal Service'sissuance of commemorative Elvis stamps early this year. They usedthe stamps to mail letters to non-existent addresses -- just to getthe envelopes back stamped with the title of one of The King'shits, 'Return to Sender.'

Golfers in Kuwait, already used to oiled-sand 'browns' insteadof greens, had an additional hazard to contend with this Januarywhen the U.S. Army set up a battery of Patriot missiles on the backsix holes of the Kuwait City Hunting & Equestrian Club's 18-holecourse. Asked if the missiles would affect his swing, one golfercalmly noted, 'If they go off, it would.'

In The Netherlands this year, it was reported that marryingcouples were taking the line about 'To have and to hold' tounbearable extremes. A farm union spokesman said more than 200Dutch pig farmers had married since 1987 simply to increase theirfarms' dung quotas, the legally set amount of manure theirlivestock can produce. Young farmers with more than romance ontheir minds marry to take over dung allowances that other farmers'daughters either have inherited early, or have acquired to runtheir own pig farms.

Pollution that turned Upper Saranac Lake green with algae,produced strong odors and drove fish away prompted local homeownersto file suit last January. The target? The state's own Departmentof Environmental Conservation, owner of a fish hatchery that dumps3.6 million gallons of waste water into the lake system each year.

And make it snappy!

A British pub patron's hobby caught up with him in disastrousfashion, medical researchers in England reported this year. Thehobby was bungee running, a sort of horizontal version of bungeejumping in which the pub-crawler who can stretch a wall-mountedbungee cord the farthest wins a pint of beer. The patron, thejournal reported, 'was demonstrating this activity to onlookerswhen, just as he was about to grab his prize, he felt a snap, heardan ominous whistling sound and, after interminable seconds' painfulanticipation, was struck on his right buttock by the wall fitting,which had become detached from the wall.' The resulting injuryrequired surgical treatment, the researchers added, and it tookweeks before the unidentified young man resumed his normal gait.

How Soon They Forget Dept. -- Steve Morrow's soccer teammateswere so elated when he scored the goal that won England's LeagueCup Soccer Championship in April that they tossed him in the air incelebration. Unfortunately, they forgot to catch him. Morrowsuffered a broken arm and had to be carried from the field on astretcher.

A 16-year-old train buff took the A train this May --literally. New York City Transit Authority spokesmen said the youthwas arrested for impersonating a train operator, but not untilafter he'd taken New Yorkers on a 2 1/2-hour, 45-mile ride, makingall his scheduled stops on time.

In Portland, Ore., the Hidden Springs Nudist Club again heldits annual spring clothing collection drive for the poor.

In Darwin, Australia, an Aboriginal man placed a curse on themost popular Australian rules football club after the clubpresident made some racist remarks. The team promptly went on athree-game losing streak.

In Venice this June, a Japanese artist won an art show awardfor his 'Can Art Change the World?' exhibit, a wall-mounted arrayof ant farms, colored sand and connecting tubes. But the exhibithad to be dismantled before the award was given, after a woman -- amember of an animal rights group and an Italian vegetarianassociation -- filed ant abuse charges.

In the Philippines this year, Pepsi announced a contestawarding $1 million to the finder of a bottle cap with a luckynumber -- and then somehow managed to print that number on 800,000of its bottle caps. After it announced the mistake and backed offon the offer, Pepsi trucks were attacked by irate customers andcompany executives were threatened.

The devil made them do it

In Vinton, La., in August, a car hit a tree and 20 nude Texanspiled out. Stunned police officers reported that the car'soccupants, all members of one family, told them the devil was afterthem and the Lord had told them to shed all their belongings, downto the last stitch of clothes, and flee. All 20, ranging in agefrom 1 to 63, were packed into one 1990 Pontiac Grand Am -- withthe five youngest in the trunk. Police said the crash caused onlyminor injuries -- 'when you're packed in that tight, there's notmuch room to move around,' one officer reported.

In southeast Alaska, beaches were awash with ducks, turtles,beavers and frogs for more than three months this year -- but theinflux of creatures had nothing to do with natural migrations. Acargo ship lost a container of 7,000 plastic bathtub toys overboardin the North Pacific in January 1992, and the bright yellow ducks,blue turtles, beige beavers and green frogs finally made it toshore after about 18 months of bobbing on the ocean waves.